Dyslexic Dyalog

Seeing my former Digital Foundations professor while working the museum desk

it made me realize

how bitter i've become

how resentful and full of black goo

it's not better to hate; i'm rotten. inside and out

I've let the poison sting my lungs and decay my blood and guts
for what
for the pain

no
for them

and they don't deserve it
and i dont deserve it

to hate so much and feel so much pain
i've dug this ditch as deep as it'll go

if I don't stop, it'll swallow me whole.

I'm sorry
I will be better
than you.

remember what your mothers' said

oldwhitemen

don't give him your mind
don't give him your anger
your tears

he holds his power in his hand like an orb
and he jacks it off night after night

cumming into his own mouth

and spitting it in my face

the power is yours to see beyond his freakish masturbation

but i will never forgive it
simply forget

because you are forgettable
you're dust

♬stubs in the wind♬~~~~8-d



 

"....I've gotta text Devon, Jay, Jake, oh man, and Will...".... He trailed on after a walk, post-thanksgiving with my family. A calm and cozy one.

"You're texting all of them happy thanksgiving?"
"Yea, trying"

"I thought you didn't care about that stuff"

"well, trying t be better, trying to do better"

"....should I do that too?"

"I don't know. That depends on if you want to take your time and make the same mistakes I've made and am trying to fix now, of if you want to take my example."

It's a Global hold up isn't it? It's hard to stomach that this complacency is now not only my fault, but the fault of the times. These past two years have lent themselves to my anxiety in soothing ways, and in self-sabotaging ways. I've given myself permission to be what I thought was more me, slower, quieter, a loner. But am I actually stunting my own growth? It feels so comfortable to curl up and feel comforted like a child from my fears. To feel like someone else is sucking the poison.

But at the end of it all, is it really just me who can suck out the poison and patch the wound? Pull my own tunicate between my teeth and stuff the pain back down my throat.

Is that what it means to be an adult? To face every single catastrophe through hollow, smiling tears? To know the emptiness is always there no matter how much of a purpose you find for yourself. To grit the pain of every loss, every trial and every trauma and still show useless kindness to strangers as you're paid to do?

What does it mean to have a friend? What does it feel like to not feel like an insufferable bother for existing? How does it feel to know there are others that are thinking, loving, caring, knowing you?

I don't think anybody knows me, maybe my moms, but certainly not me.

Union.
The definition of Union is as follows: : an act or instance of uniting or joining two or more things into one: such as

(1): the formation of a single political unit from two or more separate and independent units

(2): a uniting in marriagealso : SEXUAL INTERCOURSE

 

(3): the growing together of severed parts

 

b: a unified condition : 

COMBINATION, 

 

JUNCTION

a gracious union of excellence and strength 

I do not apologize for my shitty copy/paste job, BECAUSE; the greater point here is, what is the purpose of union?
"the growing together of severed parts", but what does that imply when assuming things prior were "severed"?
I don't know if I identify with this severed the way the that definition suggests. I can judge that I feel, in my own interpretation of myself and my life, that I am incredibly fragmented; broken down and stripped apart by my own mind-- my own anxieties. 
Lets go on this tangent for a moment: my anxiety(ies), they're strong, and they're real because I give them life. This conditioning will always be a part of me and like I learned as a child so that I could walk through high school not totally crippled, I need to relearn for myself now-- because my anxiety is guarding my life from myself in ways I wish it wouldn't. I don't want to miss out on happiness, I don't want to miss what's around me; reality and the gratitude I ought to be considering every day for what I have right now. 
I hold zero weight on the positive impact I have on other people unless it's a negative one, therefore, discrediting the humanity I strive for: which is to be a kind person and spread kindness to others. Yet, my efforts are simply never good enough because once one task is done, there are still a thousand more to tend to. That is to say, start, render, complete, on to the next- from ground zero... ....aaannndd begin!
Like every do-good I put into the universe is immediately met by the next in need and the product is, that my cup is never full.

Okay, I'm rambling about nothing now. 
But my point is, is it as simple as not being able to love myself and therefore being unable to fully love someone else? The human brain is so vastly intricate, when I think about this, I think about this as a model for the universe and sure, all the dimensions and probabilities that exist. So many possibilities, in fact, that one person simply cannot fathom more than a handful, if not less, of these possibilities, concepts, etc., at one time. 
That being said, is it truth to assume that this one idea is the answer? I guess that answer would be no-- and I would add, if I was Lady Universe, that because so many dimensions with so many varying possibilities exist, there is no clear answer for one thing or the other. All there is is you. The you in this dimension, drawing these conclusions, from x y z possibilities that have followed in this life. To apply concepts from other dimensions would disrupt the flow in this one, I suppose? Maybe I should look more into multiverse theory...

In the words of Sir Humbert Von Gikkinggen, "Always believe in yourself. Do this, and no matter where you are, you have nothing to fear."
Perfect and simple, like my guiding compass, my ring to Calcifer. 
If there is one thing I can say with full self-confidence (relevant, self-deprocating joke), I can say that I have totally forgotten this main moto of mine, my moral code, my internal dialog; it's all seemingly disappeared. 
But I also know that it hasn't, it's buried deep inside me, dormant and covered in dust, lurking in a quiet, damp corner rocking back and forth or maybe chuckling as I write this, whispering "I'm right here dummy...".
Jeez.
I've lost myself.
When did this happen and how? Was it all my doing or did external factors contribute? Instead of making a long laundry list if reasons WHY, like I have been for years now. Perhaps it's in my best interest, and for the sake of not boring everyone, to focus on what I can do from here on out to stay on track. I think that's a more self-loving, honest approach. Hey, I'm already learning!

• Intention - Ask yourself why you want to do something, this is a tool to help you get to know yourself. 
• Morals    - I speak directly to myself when I say DO NOT IGNORE YOUR MORAL COMPASS, it's your Baron, your guide.
• Trust      - You simply won't have the answers sometimes, Morals and Intention built your Intuition which tells you to trust yourself, you'll be okay.
• Be Casual - Taking life too seriously will make you feel dissatisfied indefinitely, life is about brushing it off sometimes simply because you can. Flow like the water- like a leaf down a stream. 
• Feelings - You do not have to act or listen to every feeling, decide which to nurture and which to let go.
• Thoughts - You are not your thoughts and your thoughts are not always true, look at these with curiosity instead of as fact.
• Self-love  - You deserve it, you're worthy of it, and you need it, show the world how beautiful you are inside and out.
• Acceptance - This allows you to let go of that which you cannot control, to truly feel free.
• Control    - Ask yourself, "Do I have control over this?" and if the answer is no, refer to the bullet point above.

To be continued...