Dyslexic Dyalog

It's back again

The wonder why
What's the plan again? Oh, was there ever one?

It's only ever the plate in me face that gets the most licks
because I can't manage to focus on anything except what's right in front of me.
Planning in advance when I'm not even sure of the next current step

The executive function loop is in full swing
But so is the indivisibility
The average human makes 35,000 choices per day
but I've never been average

In fact I strive to be anything but average
but now I realize that in order to survive and thrive in the system that holds you
you have to at least be good at being a little average at some things
the things that count
the things that help you climb the steps closer toward what you desire

desire isn't something i lack
but it's something I struggle to direct
executive functioning again
maybe I need a life coach
maybe i need a life
I still don't have a handle on planning meals
but surely you can't tell me there's not a traveling whizz out there that completely neglects their eating routine and schedule but can plan seven trips five years in advance

different strokes for different folks

but I think one thing is clear
I'm not satisfied
there are things I want to do!!! ffs!!!

and the only problem, the only thing getting in the way
is me
frozen
unsure where to start, how to start; that I CAN'T start

so I stay stagnant, frozen.
unsure of what I want because I haven't made a choice

the choice to go after the things I want to try
no matter how afraid or unsure
of the outcome, where to start, where it ends, where I am strong, where I am weak

I need to just try
and no that's not simple
but it beats feeling like this

like a sluggish blob rotting, boiling in the sun

in a spot that's collected dust around me
I've remained unmoved all these years,
but cried about how desperately I want to take that first step
with my slug legs
how would I do it?

Only way to find out is to try.