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Nov. 26th, 2021 04:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
scumbunny I don't feel as if I can say anything is certain, especially anymore. The older I get, the less I know myself, at least that's how it feels inside.
numbness
vacancy
What will I dredge up?
Something that is inherently nothing?
That's all we are, right? Nothing.
But some are something to me; am I something to them?
It seems, by principal, that I would be to my moms, my boyfriend, maybe my cat. I know I take that for granted.
But what about strangers, people, different bodies, different backgrounds, expressions, traditions, colors, perspectives, flavors.
I don't have those.
I think, maybe in some ways, I fear those. Because they are unknown to me. My anxiety pulls me behind the barrier, where it's safe. Where none of those strangers can scar me again.
That makes me sad for me to write, and evidently mad that I'm sad for myself-- sometimes I am so pathetic.
numbness
vacancy
What will I dredge up?
Something that is inherently nothing?
That's all we are, right? Nothing.
But some are something to me; am I something to them?
It seems, by principal, that I would be to my moms, my boyfriend, maybe my cat. I know I take that for granted.
But what about strangers, people, different bodies, different backgrounds, expressions, traditions, colors, perspectives, flavors.
I don't have those.
I think, maybe in some ways, I fear those. Because they are unknown to me. My anxiety pulls me behind the barrier, where it's safe. Where none of those strangers can scar me again.
That makes me sad for me to write, and evidently mad that I'm sad for myself-- sometimes I am so pathetic.
If I could change one thing about myself right now, I think it would be something to the effect of being more organized. I think when my mind scatters, my attention is scattered with it. And in turn, I can't give anyone but myself focus in order to redirect.
I think, maybe, if I set a course and go, just go. I might hit the target, I might make a mark, I might make a friend. And even if it is uncomfortable, and vulnerable, I'm still growing. And that's not something to avoid, or fear. It's something to strive for and celebrate.
Bottom line is, I don't want to go through life unable to regain control when it's lost until I crash and completely fade away. I want to make people proud, prove them wrong/right. Give myself power.
