Dyslexic Dyalog

It's back again

The wonder why
What's the plan again? Oh, was there ever one?

It's only ever the plate in me face that gets the most licks
because I can't manage to focus on anything except what's right in front of me.
Planning in advance when I'm not even sure of the next current step

The executive function loop is in full swing
But so is the indivisibility
The average human makes 35,000 choices per day
but I've never been average

In fact I strive to be anything but average
but now I realize that in order to survive and thrive in the system that holds you
you have to at least be good at being a little average at some things
the things that count
the things that help you climb the steps closer toward what you desire

desire isn't something i lack
but it's something I struggle to direct
executive functioning again
maybe I need a life coach
maybe i need a life
I still don't have a handle on planning meals
but surely you can't tell me there's not a traveling whizz out there that completely neglects their eating routine and schedule but can plan seven trips five years in advance

different strokes for different folks

but I think one thing is clear
I'm not satisfied
there are things I want to do!!! ffs!!!

and the only problem, the only thing getting in the way
is me
frozen
unsure where to start, how to start; that I CAN'T start

so I stay stagnant, frozen.
unsure of what I want because I haven't made a choice

the choice to go after the things I want to try
no matter how afraid or unsure
of the outcome, where to start, where it ends, where I am strong, where I am weak

I need to just try
and no that's not simple
but it beats feeling like this

like a sluggish blob rotting, boiling in the sun

in a spot that's collected dust around me
I've remained unmoved all these years,
but cried about how desperately I want to take that first step
with my slug legs
how would I do it?

Only way to find out is to try.

Holy shit.

holy shit, holy shit.

What am I doing?

I have things I want to do, places I want to go-- I'm 28 and I haven't even made progress in any of this-- I'm trying. But I feel constantly dragged down.

I can't control other people, I can only control what I do, which includes: telling other people they only have control over themselves is not necessarily going to stick because I said it and it's true = in conclusion, I cannot control other people. Even ones close to me, even ones I love.

I feel like if I sit in this museum any longer, I'm going to scream.
If I'm near him any longer, I'm going to scream.

I have shit I want to do that I don't know how to pursue because I'm sat in one place taking care of you-- juggling so much yet nothing at all.

Like my hands are full of eggshells.

Everyone is small, really

Nobody likes to admit it, but Jesus look at the beautiful, dying planet we stand our disgusting feet on.

Everyone thinks their better than someone else

I want to be better than someone, or something-- better than myself.

A pyramid chart of who is most worthy of love, respect, protection; how sick.

I used to believe that if I touched the same ground as everyone else, I was everyone else-- living, breathing, dying. I was every tree, every blade of grass, every baby born, every dying soul.

It made me feel so alive, connected, and so insignificant in the best way. The way that makes you realize how much people are hurting all around you-- seeking that freedom; but they cannot get beyond their own barriers, emotions, doubts.

I am behind that wall now. I know what it's like to be on the other side.
But things are not so simple as when I was little. I had virtually nothing to worry about; food, money, family. It was all secure. The older I get, the more afraid I am-- and this fear was built into me from the start.

Now it has control over me. I have to work 60x as hard as I did when I was little, to overcome or succumb.

I don't want to die knowing my life was lived in constant fear. I want to live for myself, for my moms, for everyone who cannot.

I feel low, maybe sad, I don't know.

I want to journal more, I want to travel, I want to have goals and believe in myself that I can pursue those goals. I want to be nicer to myself and care less about the judgments/opinions of others. Even as I write this, I am judging my literacy, my process, the act of journaling at all. There's something gross inside me and it hurts me everyday.

A bully maybe

A fear, anxiety

Is it me though? and if it is, how am I supposed to live my life wholly without being utterly torn down and sabotaged by my own thoughts, emotions and physical feelings that can't be explained but nevertheless, exist-- I feel them deep inside my guts.

They're all looking at me and thinking I'm a bad person right off the bat just by my looks, maybe the way I carry myself.
I used to hold this head high and pounce with each step.
I've curled inside a visible cocoon that everyone can see.
A game of hide and seek, but everyone already took all the good spots.

They all smirk at me as they walk by as if to say, " I see you, you fool. You absolute failure. Look at you; rotting in place."

Maybe they're not thinking that at all.
But I am, those thoughts are in my head whether I project them from someone else's presence onto me, or simply 3rd degree murder my own self-esteem with these dedceptive ideas that anyone even thinks these things about me when it is, in fact, myself that thinks these things about me.

How could I have let myself down?

But what if that is what they're thinking and it is, in fact true?

Strangers aside, I believe it's true.
I believe I've been failing myself over and over.

Not facing the fears, the discomfort, the feelings, the strengths, the weaknesses-- have I truly forgotten everything I've learned and worked so fucking hard for to get this far?

I've let all the people who believe in me down because I don't believe in myself.

But what do I matter in the greater perspective of the world?

People are dying everyday from senseless acts of violence and cruelty.

The Earth is dying beneath our feet, the very ground that used to make me feel connected to every one and every thing and realize that we are all not so different. We are all kin.

But I feel more separate then ever from humanity and existence. I am stuck in this voided prison inside my own head, any and all things passing me by-- the good, bad and everything in-between.

Seriously, what is the fucking point of any of it?

Humanity is the plague that destroys that which we ought to cherish, preserve, and love deeply.
And I am a part of it, I feel the virus inside me, pulsing to take over and my days are spent desperately trying to suppress it.

I'm so, so, so tired.

"If you do what makes you happy and fulfilled, you'll see the beauty of the world from a lighter perspective", sure, I can hear that viewpoint in my head.

But again, what is the point when the evil and chaos are so much greater in mass and magnitude that all I can do is helplessly weld myself to the sidelines and watch everything burn while I make my silly paintings, travel my helpless body around to see things I'll forget in a few months.

I am hopeless, and pathetic. I've felt this before-- it made me sick back then and it's making me sick now.

All I can do, is dumbly, blindly, bumble around like a happy idiot.

And hope that this lie sinks in, and that the glimmer tints my eyes forever.

Is that living in reality, or a fallacy?

The more I suffer and the less I focus on it, the happier and stronger I become.